Fidler and Bessie
Thu 9th Feb 2006. Posted by Bryan Davis.
Fidler and Bessie
While wandering the streets of Hannover we encountered Chris Fidler - once again on his trusty steed; Bessie.
Uploaded by tptboy on 9th February, 2006.
Fun
Archived Posts from this Category
Rather long but funny observation ;-)
Mon 6th Feb 2006. Posted by Chris Fidler.
Enjoy………..Made me laugh anyway 
Laters,
Fid.
The lord has great wisdom
“Noah, awaken and heed my words!”
And Noah didst tremble, saying, “Lord, why hath thou
wakened me?”And the Lord did say, “Noah, build me a jazz band. For the
earth will be visited by a plague of Brides, followed by
forty days of Trade Shows and forty nights of Awards
Banquets followed by Rock & Roll and Country/Western
Music. They will all be jazz oblivious. This pleaseth me
not and so we must invent jazz.”And Noah didst say, “Command me Lord.”
And the Lord didst say, “First, thou must find me a
leader.”And Noah replied, “But Lord, will I not be thy leader?”
And the Lord sayeth; “Fool, thou will be my contractor. Ask
not why!”And Noah didst bow his head, saying, “Yes my Lord. And what
instrument will the lead! er play?”And the lord said, “It matters little whether he play or
not, or whether he be proficient or not. For his job shall
primarily be to schmooze, and to deal with clients, and to
count the tempos wrong, and to inquire as to whether
overtime will happen, and to try to segue tunes that
should not be segued. If he playeth any instrument, thou
must always have another player of that instrument in the
band just to be safe.”And Noah didst say, “And what else shall this leader do?”
And the Lord replied, “It shall be his job to spread bad
information and confusion amongst the sidemen and to pit
them one against the other, and to delay all payments.”“Further shall it be his job, until we can afford a
soundman, to create feedback, and to invent new
equalization.”And Noah didst shake his head in wonder, saying, “Lord, thy
ways are strange and mysterious. What more shall I do?”And the Lord said, “Next, find me a Rhythm Section. First,
find me a drummer. And three things above all must this
drummer possess.”“First, this drummer must have slightly imperfect time, so
that whenever he playeth a fill (and he shall play many),
he always emergeth at a different place, but thou may not
guess which, nor where ‘one’ now is.”“And second, he must be supremely discontent, always
hoping for the Big Break which will lead him to playing
with Wedding Bands or for other high paying gigs, so
that he secretly despiseth jazz.”“And third, he must always be convinced of his
righteousness, in all things, including time, volume,
tempo and feel, so that he argueth always with the leader
and the bass player.”And Noah didst say, “Bass player?”
And the Lord didst say, “Yes, Bass player. He shall be
bored. That is All.”And Noah didst say, “Of course. And next, my Lord?”
And the Lord did say, “Next shall be the Keyboard Player.
And he shall play as if he has twenty fingers, and he
shall play substitute upon substitute, until no man may
name the chord, and he will not be helpful. Furthermore,
he shall always be late. And he shall always be trying out
new gear of which he has no knowledge.”And Noah didst wonder aloud, “Lord, Great is thy wisdom!”
And the Lord didst wisely continue, “Next shall be the
Guitar Player and he shall be loud, and he shall sing off
key. Also shall he know not The Page, and so shall rely
upon his ears, which have been damaged by exposure to high
sound pressure levels. For guitar players who read shall
already being playing shows, and will be making the big
shekels. And his uniform shall be the rattiest.”And the Lord didst say, “Next thou shall need Horns.”
“First shall be Saxophones and Clarinets. And they shall
either be Beboppers who play Bird quotes in every song,
yea, even the ballad medley, or copiers of Johnny Dodds
and Sidney Bechet. They shall get drunk and high on every
break, chase but never catch women, and make long faces
all night long, but especially when “Bill Bailey” is
called.”“Next, shall be the Trumpeters. And they shall every one
attempt to take everything up an octave, and fail
frequently. And of changes they shall know nothing.”“And finally shall be the Trombone Player. And many jokes
will be made about him, for he will have a beeper that
never beeps, as well as a day job, and he will be the
first! to be cut from the band.”And Noah, taking many notes, didst say, “Mighty is the
Lord!”“Next, shall be the String Player. He will attach pickups
to his violin that is more ancient even than myself, so
that the instrument screecheth and causeth great pain. His
job shall be to dress in foppish clothing with hair in a
pony tail, to fake parts, and to complain about the volume
and the intonation, and to impede the swing.”And Noah didst say, “What can be left, Lord?”
And the Lord didst say, Finally, find me the singers. And
they shall be two, one male and one female. And the male
shall be a strutting peacock, with girlie man hair, and he
shall never have to wear the tuxedo, and also shall play
the harmonica.”“The female shall ALWAYS sing the power ballads, and the
novelty songs. She shall sing backup ! for the male, and
forget the words, and be late, and know nothing of keys or
form. And together, they shall leave every gig
immediately, having never touched a piece of equipment.
And they shall be paid more shekels than the sidemen. Ask
not why.”And the Lord continued: “Together they shall be melded into
a dissonant band that plays mysterious polyrhythmic music
called Jazz. It shall grow to immense proportions in New
Orleans amongst sinners, whorehouses and honky tonks
several millennia from now. But fear not within a 100
years from birth, it shall be played in Churches and other
places of high learning. And it shall be called art. Go
figureth.”And the lord didst command him, “Search high and low for
these, as not every musician can fulfill these
requirements. And though we have no work yet, a commitment
must be secured from all. And while you! ‘re at it, start
looking for subs.”And Noah didst say, “Lord, thy will be done.”
Some Big Band sanity!!!!!!
Thu 29th Dec 2005. Posted by Chris Fidler.
Hi Ratpackers,
Fed up of playing the same show every night?
Need a bit of big band inspiration?
Check out this Gordon Goodwin’s Big Phat Band live concert on the net.
ENJOY
http://ntjazz.com/Jazz_Festival/2005/fest05archives.htm
See you in Frankfurt!!!
Happy New Year!
Fid x.
